Epidemiological Theories for the Common Person

This is not a post about knitting. It is more of a public service announcement. If you have a low threshhold for disgust and gross out, this is not the post for you. Sometimes your blog host is pushed too far by events beyond her control and must take action.

I am coming to the conclusion that the world would be a better place if my epidemiological theories of Touching of the Wang by Proxy, Eating Crap by Proxy, and Picking of the Nose by Proxy got more press. I am tired of health care providers sugar coating the horrible truth, because they prefer to be more palatable in their descriptions of reality. Let's face it, some people need a cattle prod to the conscience, common sense, and gross out lobes of the brain. Niceties are not the way to do it.

I mention this because, a. tax season has started and I am getting crabby; b. during tax season I generally begin to doubt the intelligence and decency of humanity because of all the rude, stupid people I talk to all day long; and c. if I have to interact with one more member of the public over the age of 5 who has less than a passing acquaintance with soap and water, I am going to start spraying them with Lysol before I will even talk to them.

Let's start with the first theory. The theory of Touching of the Wang by Proxy evolved after working in my current office. My office had eyeshot and earshot of the men's bathroom. A particular gentleman went in. I heard the urinal flush then the door open. No sound of water running in the sink in between. He then picked up reports left outside the door on a table and dropped them off in our in basket. It occurred to me that the hand that had been gripping his wang to do his thing in the bathroom had then reached out and picked up the papers, without essence of wang being removed by soap or water. ICK!

Even more ironic, some of the most homophobic men I have known have very little compunction about going to the loo and emerging sans washing to shake hands and slap their football watching buddies on the back. He has subjected all of his friends to touching his wang by proxy. There ought to be a man law, but I don't think Burt and the boys are interested in that one.

So men, I offer this as a piece of advice and wisdom: While you may be proud of your wang and enjoy touching it, trust me, the rest of us are not so enamored of your pride and joy. Do us all a favor, WASH YOUR HANDS! If that doesn't do it, think about all the times you hugged your mom without washing your hands. Now you're feeling what the rest of us on the receiving end of your negligence feel when you don't wash your hands.

My theories of Eating Crap and Picking of the Nose by Proxy have evolved in much the same way and are much more disgusting to describe. I will leave the details to your imaginations. Suffice it to say, I am not at all surprised that one of the Sports Illustrated parties involved exposure to Hepatitis A. I would just like to take a moment to mention that Hepatitis A is most commonly transmitted through having sex with someone who is infected or eating their feces. (I understand that in some fetish circles, the two modes of transmission may be one and the same.) Kind of gives a whole new meaning to that phrase, "eat crap and die".

This public health service announcement brought to you by your friend at The Knitting Rubicon, boldly saying what needs to be said without all the additives and flavor enhancers.