Anticipating the End

OK. I hate anticipation. Anticipation is much over rated and leads to inevitable disappointment because the actual event can never really live up to the perfection of anticipation. What I hate most about anticipation is that it makes it nearly impossible to focus on anything remotely mundane, even if that mundane thing is your new job that you love and gives you much satisfaction. No. Anticipation just seems to make all other things seem dull by comparison.

This is the exact problem I have faced with grad school orientation and grad school. I was so looking forward to it that in my soul I knew that the actual experience of going to grad school could not measure up. In all reality, I only anticipated it this much because I have not gone to grad school and have not experienced all the late nights studying systems' theory as applied to human relationships and interactions. I could only anticipate grad school this much because I hadn't had to sit pounding out a massive paper to deadline, all the time doubting the quality of my work and thinking that the thesis I had chosen was insipid and uninspiring. I could only anticipate grad school this much because I had yet to come home, flop on the bed and curse the day I ever thought I wanted to go to grad school and then curse hubby because he encouraged me to do so because he knew that it would provide perfect cover for his Stargate SG-1 and computer game marathons.

This problem of anticipation is not limited to grad school. Oh. No. If it were, the world would be so rosy and delightful. If anticipation were limited to the big things in life, you could live through the let down. Unfortunately anticipation spreads its roots into other areas, like knitting projects.

I am sure that many have suffered as I have suffered. I have found the perfect yarn to go with the perfect pattern. Sat down with one of my favorites on CD or movie on DVD and cast-on. The love lasts until you get past the point of no return. The yarn isn't as spectacular as you thought and the pattern editing has left much to be desired. You picture yourself wearing the object with the growing fear that you will look like a troll or the Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Finally, you press on and finish it out of sheer stubbornness.

The ironic thing is after all the excitement and anticipation dissolves into gutting out 60 inches of a square knit in the round in garter stitch shawl, once the project is finished, the excitement returns. Once the last stitch is cast off and the project is pinned out to block you are able to look with pride on something made with your own hands. This is the moment that over shadows all the doubt and unfulfilled expectations created by anticipation.

So, for me, I must keep in mind that 2 years from now when I am walking down the aisle to pick up my diploma, I will have just such a moment. Until then, it is left to the grit, guts and determination.