The Saga of June Chapter 3

I awoke the second day much as the first, with Hubby flopping about like a beached flounder and bemoaning the light coming through the windows. I again got up, poured some coffee, and ate my breakfast on the veranda.

When Hubby and I went to Texas the first time, I realized that things are bigger in Texas, especially the boobs and hair. Upon discovering this fact, most people (cough, guys, cough) are not upset. In Alabama they could say the same thing, but about different things.

By Monday, (we arrived Friday night) I noticed the flies. Apparently, Alabama doesn’t have normal flies. No. They have giant a-hole flies that resulted from the overenthusiastic mating of an experiment in splicing barracuda genes into prehistoric black fly DNA. These giant, black flies rip the flesh from your bones. Stay the hell away spray doesn’t dissuade these prehistoric demons from eating you. When they bite you, they also inject some horrible itching venom, so not only are you left with a giant hole in your foot or ankle, but also are left with a huge itching welt that doesn’t respond to Benadryl.

The second thing I discovered was that Alabama must be located in the outer suburbs of hell because the sun was so hot. This is a problem for people like me who descended from the Vikings, Picts, Angles, Saxons, and Irish marauders. It also made me want to find a long boat and head for the closest Northern fjord. Even with my SPF 50 bajillion sunscreen, I got sun poisoning on my right arm. Stupid sun.

All of this meant I spent less time on the veranda and more time indoors, knitting, reading and watching t.v. I was not surprised as the outdoors and I have had a running feud since I was three and the Great Snake in the Driveway Incident. So far it is Kimberly 3, Outdoors 300.

At this time I would like to thank everyone who has pointed out that snakes can climb and have invaded people’s dryers, toilets, and sinks. Thank you for depriving me of my last refuge against the Outdoors. Thank you for making me realize the Outdoors have been laughing at me behind my back for 30 plus years.