Stash Proofing Your Spouse

Pray that Craig never, ever reads this. Marriage is built on communication, trust, honesty, and so many other things. What marriage is not built on is allowing non-knitting spouse to have an exact idea of just how much stash knitting spouse owns. What marriage is not built on is the realization of the non-knitting spouse that all the suggestions that vacations, long weekends and day trips should include at least one trip to a "foreign" yarn shop if not completely planned around fiber indulgence should be dismissed out of hand, because the actual need for said trip is completely illogical due to size of stash. In short, the spell of stash blindness the knitting spouse has cast over non-knitting spouse will be broken once non-knitting spouse sees the stash. The knitting spouse will have to fall back on plans B or C.

Plan B would be to hold computer, gaming console, or t.v. remote control hostage until non-knitting spouse starts making sense. Depending on the severity of non-knitting spouse's addiction to object held hostage, you should see results within 72 hours. Sometimes non-knitting spouse says something completely insane to call your bluff, like, "Go ahead. Keep the remote. I don't care. We still aren't driving 18 hours to Vermont just so you can see Green Mountain Spinnery. Besides I still have my Gameboy." Be prepared. Sometimes you have to show you mean business and use the hammer to kill the hostage or take another hostage. I have been told that sending non-knitting spouse a piece of hostage may also speed along the negotiations. I never implied that this would be a bloodless process.

Plan C requires much more time and attention on the part of knitting spouse. Precious time that could be spent knitting up stash. Hey, desperate situations require more intricate solutions. Although the time and effort has been exhausting, this is my preferred back-up plan. Non-knitting spouses don't necessarily lack the stash hoarding gene we fiber artists have. It is just lying dormant, waiting to find the right expression. In my case, it is all things technical, specifically computers. Whenever Craig says, "I think my computer needs a new, 512 gigabyte hard drive because the one I have only has 256 gigabytes." Now, I don't know a lot about computers, but I do know that hubby really doesn't need a 512 gigabyte hard drive. Now I could ask him why he needs a new hard drive, but that's not the point. If I expect to have a stash of yarn, I must encourage some balance in the marriage universe. When hubby says, "Hey, I think I could really use a 19 inch, flat panel monitor." I say, "That sounds great. Do you need a new video card, too?" When hubby says, "My computer isn't fast enough to play Quake IV." I say, "I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't you upgrade your computer." Although this takes more effort and time, it is worth it. Yes, I know, I get stuck having to watch hubby in the floor on hands and knees, with his butt in air, microscrewdriver in hand, and playing operation on the computer. Yes, I know, I get stuck having to watch hubby play Quake IV while simultaneously watching Stargate something or other, but it is a small sacrifice compared to having my stash habits under the microscope.

There are some knitters who would suggest a Plan D. I have heard about Plan D and have come to believe that Plan D cheapens all women everywhere. I am particularly peevish when I hear someone claiming gender parity using Plan D to manipulate their significant other. I have rather strong feelings about Plan D: Under no circumstances do you withhold full access to the relationship bed. That makes you a prositute, selling yourself for yarn. Honey, you are worth way more than any luscious colorway Cherry Tree Hill has to offer.