Sometimes, although I love my job, I have one of those days when I wonder if I can keep doing what I do. In my line of work, the effects of insufficient decision-making and job skills, and a regulatory systems inured to human suffering confront me on an almost daily basis. I believe in what I do and the services the agency I work for offers to those who have a hard time making it economically, which, I might add, is a growing number of people in this time of rising gas and food prices.
Then there are days when I feel so completely overwhelmed by my inability to feel optimistic or hopeful that things will change in a family’s living situation that I despair. Monday was just such a day for me.
One of the things I do is accompany the case manager and environmentalist on home visits where a child has a high lead level. High lead levels cause developmental delays, neurological damage, and psycho-social problems. On a lead visit, there is an educational component that gives information on what the parents or guardians can do to help reduce the amount of lead within the home and how to serve foods that will help the child’s system combat the effects of lead. The environmentalist takes samples to find exactly which parts of the living space have high levels of lead dust. Most of this lead dust is the result of the deterioration of lead paint in older homes.
When I saw the address on the referral, my stomach clenched just a bit because I had been to this house before. In fact, it was the house the nurse and I had dubbed “Roach House” because the dwelling seemed to be from one of those B-horror movies of the 50’s. Things were so bad, I had contacted the local Code Enforcement agency to report the roaches and about 6 other violations of rental property code. At the time, the nurse and I wondered how long it would be before we received a referral for elevated lead levels in one of the children. The answer is 10 months.
When I entered the apartment, I immediately realized that my first assessment that the rental property could not possibly more horrible to live in than when I had seen it 10 months earlier were completely wrong. I felt hopeless and angry because the system is not working for these tenants. I felt infuriated that a landlord would be able to rent a building in such horrible condition. I felt infuriated that none of the safety code violations had been remedied. I felt ashamed that the thoughts foremost in my mind were avoiding taking any little six legged guests with me when I left and how long it would be before I could take a long, scalding shower and wash my clothes.
Most of all, I felt anger and shame that people live this way so that I can have what I have. People live this way so that I can have a clean hotel room when I travel. People live this way so that I can have reasonably priced fruits and vegetables. People live this way so that I can have a decent latte and dinner out at a restaurant.
Until we decide as a society to make change, I will have to find a way to live with my anger and shame. Until then, I will have to find a way to keep from growing calluses on the part of me that gives a damn. Until then, I will have to find a way to remember that I make a difference to the people I help and not feel overwhelmed by all the ones I can’t help. Until then, I will hope and pray that enough of us feel the same and start to make change.
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