Don't Fool With the Kitchen Goddess

Sometimes a natural disaster is just a natural disaster. Sometimes a natural disaster is a sign from the Kitchen Goddess that perhaps you need to take action. A natural disaster that robs you of electricity for long enough to make it so you have to clean out the entire freezer and refrigerator, falls more under the sign from god category. It is a sign from the Kitchen Goddess that perhaps instead of growing the cure from cancer in the deep recesses of the chill chest, you are in fact growing weapons grade biohazards.

This theory is only confirmed, when upon cleaning out your fridge and dutifully recycling the containers that you come across something so horrible, so horrific, so vomit producing that you consider throwing up in the sink because the smell of puke would be preferrable to the toxic fumes emanating from an unidentifiable biomass. The fumes are so toxic that you hesitate to light a candle for fear of blowing up your apartment building.

It is precisely at this point that you realize that cleaning out the freezer to a man and cleaning out the freezer to a woman are two completely different processes. To a man, cleaning out the freezer means throwing everything in said freezer away and then filling one or more containers with water - not ice trays mind you, CONTAINERS - to increase the mass inside the freezer to keep the freezer from running constantly. Cleaning out the freezer apparently does not include wiping up the remains of defrosted ice cream and broccoli. No. That is an entirely different task.

You would at this point sit down to knit, only you are unable to think very clearly from the fumes and all. Besides, you don't want to risk your project absorbing any of the green cloud of death that is hovering in the kitchen and threatening to move into the family room.

You also determine that while you had thought about making granola and brownies tonight to put some pleasant smells about the house, you are afraid that they might become contaminated during the mixing up process.

Like a drunk, you then promise if the Kitchen Goddess will allow you to survive this kitchen cleaning without dying or major injury to organs or appendages that you will faithfully clean out the fridge once a week until the day you die of natural causes of some ripe old age. As said to Tom Cruise's character, Maverick, in Top Gun, "don't write checks your body can't cash". Perhaps I'll slide by just this once.