Madame Dufarge Lives

Knitting is not for the timid. Many people believe that knitting is a quiet pursuit engaged in by elderly women with blue hair and no teeth. Au contrair mon cher. Knitting can be dangerous and deadly.

Imagine if you will, a knitter waiting quietly while knitting a pair of socks. The socks are Jaywalkers in Regia Stretch in blues. This is the third attempt on this pair of socks and pattern. The knitter is using Addi double points, with an emphasis on the points as German engineering is proud to take things to extremes. Added to the mix is that said knitter has recently been prescribed bifocals and is wearing her mono-vision contacts. Said mono-vision contacts have distorted the knitter’s depth perception, which is unreliable at the best of times.

When time for waiting is over, our dear knitter attempts to push the needles together as she has done hundreds of times when she puts her knitting away. Only this time, the combination of inaccurate depth perception plus pointy German needles equals impaled palm.

Our knitter sits stunned staring at the knitting needle protruding from her hand wondering whether to pull it out or leave it in until she gets to the hospital. In less than 10 seconds her mind does the whole, Crap there’s a knitting needle stuck in my hand; Do I pull it out; This is so gross; I think I am going to throw up; Great now it is really starting to hurt; OK I think maybe I should pull it out now; It’s a good thing it was just my hand and not my eyeball; I hope I don’t get blood on this fraking sock because then I’ll be really peeved, cycle.

So, how many wandering husbands have been done away with by their faithful wives who knit them all those socks? How many annoying neighbors have been pithed like frogs in their sleep? How many Ninja Knitters brigades have changed the course of history with one well placed needle just above the fifth rib?

We shall never know, because knitting has the reputation of being a tame pursuit. No, knitting does not stir the passions or cause one to think malicious thoughts. Knitting is just something quaint enjoyed by old ladies, spectacles riding low on their noses, knitting away at the shrouds of their enemies disguised as a lovely Shetland shawl.